Pregnancy tests

February 4th, 2008...the day when my dreams came true...the day I found out that I was a Mother. I secretly knew in my head that I was pregnant but after 6 months of trying to get pregnant, didn't want to just get my hopes up before I saw that positive sign. I purchased a test and brought it home but after reading the directions I saw that you were supposed to wait until morning for the best sample. Well, I have never been known to be patient and at times have been known to go against directions...soo, into the bathroom I went to take the test. I can't explain the way my heart felt when I saw that + sign. I was excited and nervous all at the same time. I went into the kitchen of our apartment and grabbed Tim's hand and said "come here for a minute." He saw the test and of course gave me a big hug. To this day, I can't find the picture on my computer that we took...at least, that I think we took. As excited as I was, something still felt weird. I mean, I was pregnant so of course there would be some weird feelings. I had some nausea and some food aversions, went to the bathroom a lot, and just had that different feeling. But there was something else bothering me that only in the weeks following would be made known. The weeks following this day were such a blur. We closed on our first house just 11 days later, deep cleaned the new house, moved all our stuff, deep cleaned our apartment, and then on February 21^st, Tim and I had our first ultrasound. According to my dates, I should have been about 7 weeks plus 4 days. The ultrasound technician said that she saw a sac in the uterus and it only looked like I was 5 weeks. She stepped out of the room to talk to the doctor. I knew then that something was wrong. It was like the light bulb finally came on for me as to why I felt weird. I had not been as excited as I always imagined I would be. Its like my heart couldn't admit that I was pregnant yet. I know now that that was just the Lord protecting my heart for the pain to come but that day, the day of that ultrasound, I knew there was something wrong. My worst nightmares had been confirmed, in my mind. The drive home from the u/s was awful. I remember Tim almost yelling at me to stop crying and being so negative. We didn't have any definitive answers yet and until we had blood work done there was no reason to worry, so he said. My doctor ordered some blood work on Friday the 22^nd and later that day, while at work, we found out that some of my hormone levels were low...too low to support life. This was devastating news. This was the news we had feared. The nurse told me on the phone that my doctor had very little hope that the pregnancy was going to be viable. We cried. We cried harder than we have ever cried before. I still remember like it was yesterday standing by the front door of our new house waiting for Tim to get home from work. I remember watching him walking up the sidewalk and as soon as he opened the front door he held me and we sobbed. I remember feeling so weak. The pain is still so real. A piece of our hearts had been taken away from us. After several more days of blood work and ultrasounds, I ended up having to have a D&C because the doctor was concerned that the pregnancy was actually tubal. Turned out, she was right. At the time, I remember finding comfort in that. There was nothing that we could have done to save the baby. We did all that we could. Our baby was with Jesus and we would have to have peace about that. We would never get to hold our baby's little fingers, watch him smile, coo, and laugh. We would never get to see him sit up or learn to crawl or take those first few precious steps. We would never see his precious face and rub our noses to his. But our baby was and is in the arms of Jesus and that provided more comfort than anything else. The pain still hurts today. There are days, like today, that I admit, I shed a few tears over our baby. But every day that I get to watch Tyler play and see Megan smile, I have to be so very thankful for the two blessings that God has given me to enjoy here on earth. I have boxes for each of our 3 children that I put special things in. I have Tyler and Megan's hospital bracelets, their first outfits home, cards they received, and even the pregnancy tests that I took plus the date that I took them in a little ziplock in each box. For our first baby, I have all the cards we received offering sympathy and encouragement, my hospital bracelet from my surgery, a letter I wrote to the baby before we knew there were problems, and the pregnancy test that I took February 4, 2008. Today, I had to put some stuff in both Tyler and Megan's boxes and couldn't help to look again at those silly pregnancy tests. And, to this day, almost 3 years later, our first baby's test is the ONLY one that still reads positive. A reminder of the joy we had, the gift we were given, and the comfort and peace that only the Lord can give. "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and God of all comfort, who encourages us in our every affliction, so that we may be able to encourage those who are in any affliction with the encouragement with which we ourselves are encouraged by God." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 "the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD." Job 1:21b

Megan 3 months

Our beautiful little girl

3 months old

Tyler is FINALLY on the mend...

...but unfortunately, Megan has now caught his bug and so our family continues to ask for your prayers to get back to normal again!! Megan is just so little and I hate to see her like this. :( Tyler definitely had a pretty rough week last week. Monday, of course, was his surgery and pretty much from that day until today (exactly a week later) he had not eaten hardly at all. It was a challenge to get him to drink anything and he had vomiting, diarrhea, and low grade fever most of the week. He was incredibly fussy and clingy all week as well. Although, I didn't mind all the cuddles and snuggles, I HATED seeing him so weak and sick all week. I am SOO glad that he is doing better now. He ate like a pig today and drank probably double what he would normally drink. He finally played without fussing and just overall seems back to normal. Here are some videos I took of him today. Enjoy!! I can't begin to express how happy it made me feel to hear him giggle and watch him play again. :)

Tyler's First Haircut

Almost a week ago now, Tyler finally had his first haircut. It really wasn't terribly long but was starting to look a bit shabby. Plus, I figured he was almost 18 months and hadn't had his first haircut yet...it was time!
The night before...
I plan on doing all of his haircuts in the future, as I cut Tim's hair all the time, but for his first one, I wanted the whole picture opportunity so we drove all the way to the south side of Dayton to go to a super cool kiddie place. :) Tyler LOVED the slide!!!

Nice static electricity in these next two pics to show you his "long" hair

They put in Baby Einstein (his favorite) so this is the face I got for all the pictures actually during the haircut...

He did a great job though! And now looks even more handsome than ever! :)
After...
I know you are probably thinking "he got his hair cut??" But believe me, you just have to see it in person in order to appreciate it :)
Tyler loved his balloon, although, it lasted all of like 2 hours

Already picking up the ladies with his new look! ;)

It was a fun evening that just Tyler and I spent together. I can't believe how big my boy is getting!

Done and overwith

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!! What a sigh of relief! It is done and over with. We are home with our baby boy and everything went as well as we could have hoped for. Other than being WAY fussy and groggy from the meds, Tyler is doing great. He is currently taking a nap in hopes that he will wake up a little more back to normal. He has two incisions that both have stitches, glue, and steri-strips and is WAY swollen. I am pretty sure recovery is going to be harder than the surgery, poor guy. :( I think the saddest thing though is that he is sooo hoarse. His cry sounds so pathetic!! Thank you for your prayers though. They were definitely answered. Our morning went so smoothly with getting both kids ready to go. We dropped Megan off and were at the hospital a little early which was great because they were actually running ahead of schedule. I managed to be the strong Mom and didn't cry at all. Although, I had butterflies like CRAZY! Tyler was a little apprehensive about going from my arms to the OR nurses arms, but the anesthesiologist said that he didn't cry even as they put him to sleep and just did really well. The doctor isn't sure the testicle is going to function but it won't be until puberty before we know that. He said that its probably half the size of the other one and just never developed fully. The testicle itself was actually in the hernia (which I don't quite understand). But anyway, all is where it is supposed to be now and this whole experience is all behind us. Right after the doctor came in to talk to us after the surgery, I heard Tyler down the hall crying. He looked so pathetic and weak at first. :( I never want to have to see him like that again, thats for sure. He didn't like his IV and was just beside himself crying from all the drugs. Its funny how God gives you strength ONLY when you need it. Last night just thinking about the surgery made me an absolute WRECK. But today, during pre-surgery stuff, during surgery, and afterwards, I was completely fine. I was strong, completely composed. Right now, thinking about the whole thing again I am welling up with tears. Tyler looked so little, so frail...he was pale and limp. He fell like a heap in my arms from the nurse's arms. His cry was hoarse and my heart just melted when I saw him crying and holding on to his bear. He kept looking at me crying like as if to say "Mommy, take it all away!!" "Why do I feel this way?" "It hurts!" He was so confused and acted as if his feelings had been so hurt. He had, in his little mind, been betrayed by his Mommy and Daddy to turn him over to people that hurt him. They told me that he wouldn't remember it all because of the meds...I pray they are right. After about 30 minutes of pretty much inconsolable crying while trying to listen to discharge instructions, we were on our way home, much sooner than expected. He was pretty much out of it for the rest of the day. I laid him down for his nap and once he woke up from that, other than still being tired, he acted as if nothing ever happened. I am so thankful for that!! I can't believe how much he is running around and playing as if nothing ever happened. He is so bruised and swollen yet runs down the hall and giggles as if nothing was wrong. Changing his diaper is a different story though. :( Anyway, we can't thank everyone enough for your prayers. I know that I had a peace through the whole procedure because of the prayers on our behalf. Tyler is doing so great and I am so thankful that this whole thing is now behind us. Now we just have to make it through the recovery phase and we are set! For those of you who read last night's blog, its already become my "grain of sand." God truly does have a sense of humor. Here's a few pictures of our day.

believe it or not, this is BEFORE drugs...
putting on the hospital gown
"cheese!"
NOT a fan of the name band
This made Tyler's day...one of the therapy dogs came to see him!
One of our last before pictures...I think he was starting to realize that something was up
As I said, Tyler pretty much cried nonstop from the time he got back to us until we were on our way home, so this is the only "after" picture we got
His left arm is purple from the coban they put around his IV. His first IV and he did NOT like it!

Sigh...so glad this is in the past. Praying for a quick and pain free recovery!

My grain of sand...

I sit here overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with my emotions. Overwhelmed with life. Overwhelmed with joy, happiness, contentment, anxiousness, nervousness, sadness...there is a country song that Carrie Underwood sings that I sing to myself sometimes. One of the lines in the song says "sometimes that mountain you've been climbin is just a grain of sand..." I know that a few years from now, actually more like a few days from now, I will look back and think, "what was I so upset about?" "I was all caught up about that??" But today, tonight, I am overwhelmed. Tomorrow, I am consenting to allow doctors to give Tyler medicine to stop his ability to breath on his own. I am consenting to allow them to take a knife to his precious perfect little skin. I am terrified. Its a lesson I continually have to learn that this child that the Lord has given me is not my own. God, in His graciousness, has allowed me to be both Tyler and Megan's mother. He gave me another gift that He now holds with Him but He has allowed me to hold Tyler and Megan here on earth and I thank the Lord every day for that precious gift. I pray I never take a moment for granted. I pray I can be a patient, loving, gracious, tender mother as God is so much more than that to me. I know that God will give me the grace that I need to make it through tomorrow. I pray that the Lord will keep Tyler safe. I pray that the Lord will guide the surgeon's hands. I pray that I have peace... As I was giving Tyler a bath tonight and watching him splash and play, listening to him giggle and smile that sweet little smile, I couldn't help but tear up thinking about all the joy Tyler has brought to my life. Sometimes I don't feel like I can smile big enough, like I can hug him long enough...I will miss these times. I will miss him being small enough to cuddle. Its like watching him take a bath tonight was like watching his little life flash before my eyes. I remember vividly being in the hospital after delivering him and the pediatrician coming in and telling us that during her assessment, she noticed that one of his testicles wasn't descended. She said that it was common for premature babies and that a lot of times, they come down on their own. She said not to worry. She obviously didn't know me very well. :P Telling me not to worry is like telling the sun not to rise. This surgery is something I have feared since Tyler was just a day old. I know its just outpatient and for the surgeon is just a routine surgery...but Tyler is still my baby and always will be and it doesn't matter how "simple" and "routine" the doctors say it is. It might as well be open heart surgery in my mind. No matter what though, I have to remember that truly, I am incredibly blessed. I have two healthy children. I live in an area that has a children's hospital that I am an employee of and know that I can trust the staff. My son is going to be under the care of one of the only pediatric urologists in the area who is known to be a "perfectionist." His surgery IS minor. AND, I have a God who holds Tyler in His hands and is in complete control. How reassuring is that?! The same God who gave Tim and I this blessing is the same God going in to that operating room with Tyler. Blessed be the name of the Lord! I will praise the Lord through this little "storm" and hope to only grow in my trust in Him as a result. Thank you to those of you who read my blog regularly and are praying for Tyler and for us tomorrow. His surgery is at 11 and will last an hour and a half. Today it feels like a mountain...but I look forward to when I look back and see that it was just a "grain of sand."

What's not to love about this little boy?! :)

The Youngin's first trip to Youngs

Earlier this week, we took the kids to Youngs for the first time. Its pretty sad that Tyler is almost 18 months old and has never been. Its also sad that I got zero pictures of Megan. Oh well, it was a quick last minute trip and we still had a good time. I just didn't document it very well with pictures. :) Guess it will just have to be one of those times that Tim and I just "ponder in our hearts."

The sun was already starting to go down when we got there so instead of eating first, we went straight to the animals. This girl was feeding the goats her ice cream. This one even took her cup out of her hand!

Silly goats!!

Tyler was very timid of the goats and didn't really want down at all at first. But he warmed up to them and ended up running around by the end.
Its always better in Daddy's arms
He liked the chickens

We were disappointed that we missed the cow milking by just 30 minutes. Oh well, maybe next time.
It was impossible to get him to look up at us so we could really see how tall he was...silly boy!
He of course, loved the tractor! It was so funny though, he put his hands on his lap and said "cheese!" so perfectly for his picture :)
haha
sorry for the lack of good pictures...will do better next time!

Sleeping like babies

"I live for little moments like that..."

Weekend WV trip

So, I did it again...I went on a long road trip to WV by myself with both kids for the weekend. They were angels on the way there and we only had to stop once to change Megan's diaper and made it in record time. The trip back..well, it was a different story. Pretty sure we all cried from Columbus on...but anyway, overall, it was worth it. We got to see my Grandma Ilene and Grandpa Al from Florida who were up visiting that we don't get to see very often at all. We also got to see my other grandmother who is now living with my parents due to her failing health. She has both colon cancer and melanoma that is stage 4 so we have to consider that each time we see her may be our last. Her hair has fallen out, she has lost A LOT (I'd say at least 100+ pounds) of weight and is more and more frail each time I see her. :_( I thank the Lord for all the wonderful memories I have of her when she was healthy and strong.

We got there Friday evening and my sister Joanna and her husband Tim came over with their son Andrew. He and Tyler get along pretty well, even though he is 18 months older. They had a blast in the jeep, although, pretty sure Tyler got whiplash from Andrew's driving skills. :P I'm not sure what was more funny, watching them ride in it together or watching my parents chase them. :) Here's a few pics and a video of them for your enjoyment.

They really do play pretty well together...but I have a feeling that they are going to be doing a lot of getting in trouble together too...

Joanna got a good deal on a ninja costume for Andrew for Halloween so we had to try that out :P
Tyler was worn out by the end of the day with such a little nap so he and Megan both spent some time cuddling with their Grandma
A photo to be treasured forever but unfortunately I didn't catch Megan's smile
We finally figured out where Megan got her ears from...
Thanks Dad. :)

On Saturday, the church I grew up in had a picnic. It was sooo nice to be able to see "old" familiar faces and of course, to show off my kids. I'm pretty sure I didn't see Megan the whole time. She was passed around quite a bit. :) Tyler had a blast running around with the other kids. We attempted bobbing for apples, but he just didn't get it and in fact seemed almost disgusted at the other kids for sticking their faces in the water.
He had fun in the bounce house...but only AFTER all the other kids left and I went in with him. He was too afraid before.
Sunday, we headed up to Wheeling, WV where my other sister Stephanie lives which is where my Grandma Ilene and her husband Al were going to be. We enjoyed our afternoon there and got to watch all 3 boy cousins together. They are so much fun to watch play together. I can't wait till Megan and her new baby girl cousin can do the same. :)

4 generations
Boys
We missed you Marisa!
Like I said, it was a good trip overall and I enjoyed the time spent with my family. I just look forward to Thanksgiving even more when Tim will be with me. :)