My One Word Resolution for 2012

A few of you may remember my first post of 2011 being a "one word resolution" instead of the traditional list of new years resolutions that so many of us take and never keep.  If you don't know what a one word resolution is, I challenge you to go to the My One Word website and check it out.  Its a challenge that was put out to our Sunday School last year and again this year.  And its a resolution that has done more positive change in my life than any other list of resolutions I have ever had.
Last year, my word was "transformed."  I started the year off strong, keeping this word in mind at the start of every day.  My goal was to be able at the end of every day to say that I did something to make who I used to be transformed into something better.  If I am truly honest with myself, I have to admit that my approach was still very selfish.  Sure I lost a few pounds, did my "required" devotions, etc but the idea of being transformed wasn't reaching my heart.  Little did I know how much God was going to truly take my prayer for the year to my heart and how much it was going to hurt.  The first month or so was "great" in my mind.  But, just like all resolutions, it was starting to lose its luster and my motivation for being transformed was truly lacking by month 2 or 3.  

Throughout all of this time, I was having some pretty major depression issues.  Most likely still postpartum issues, even though Megan was somewhere between 7-10 months old at the time.  Those who have experienced true depression know what I am saying when I say that sometimes, it would hit me for no apparent reason.  I would wake up depressed.  It was a darkness and an emptiness that can not be described by any other word.  I talked to my doctor multiple times who always compassionately listened, offered counseling options, medications, and anything else that we thought might take care of the problem.  But deep down, I knew that though there was definitely some sort of hormonal problem going on, the real root of the problem was my relationship, or lack thereof, with my Savior.  My stubbornness kept me from ever taking medications and even though looking back, I desperately needed them, God used the lowest of times in my life to bring about the transformation I so desperately wanted.  After talking with Tim and both of us realizing the magnitude of my problem, we knew that I needed some outside help.  In my mind, there was only one person for the job.  A woman from my church named Amy.  Just saying her name brings tears to my eyes right now.  If this baby is a girl, we might just have to use that name for her. ;)  Amy became my confidant, my counselor, and really, my life saver.  She listened and listened and listened some more to the absolute ugliest, darkest, lowest parts of my life, yet, she didn't run away.  She cried with me, hugged me, and then showed me the true character of a person that I so desperate wanted to become.  She pointed me to Christ again and again.  Told me when I was being foolish but did so in such a loving way that she radiated Christ to me in a more perfect light than I have ever seen Him before.  She made me see my worth in Christ.  We began a Bible study together called "Breaking Free" by Beth Moore.  I HIGHLY recommend it to everyone, even those who think they may not have an area of bondage in their life.  Beth Moore has a way of being able to bring about areas of your life that you didn't realize were holding you captive to sin.  For the first time in my life, I was beginning to see what being loved by God meant.  Though I was saved at age 7, it wasn't until age 27 that I truly believed for the first time that Jesus loved ME.  It was always so easy for me to tell everyone else, Jesus loves you! But when you know your heart better than anyone else, its hard to truly believe that yourself.  My eyes were finally opened to the fact that I am perfect and complete in Christ.  I knew all the verses and could quote them to you but the truths had never made it past my thick skull.  Little did I know when I prayed that God would help me be transformed in 2011 did I know what He was going to change in my life.  I don't think I truly even realized the transformation that needed to take place.

So, for 2012, I didn't know what to pick as my word.  I still needed a WHOLE lot of transformation so in my mind, I almost didn't want to pick a new one because I hadn't "mastered" the old yet.  But more recently, I have learned that I need to let go of the past.  I haven't learned how to forgive myself yet for the areas in my life where I have been wrong.  I so desperately want to learn to do that and I know its a huge work in progress.  Through Christ though, all things are possible and He has already forgiven me and I am in the wrong for not forgiving myself.  My most fervent prayer here recently for myself is that I would learn to forgive myself.  I truly believe that I will not be able to move on until I do.  So, after a long list of words and some prayerful consideration, my word for 2012 is 

"RENEWED"

Renewed is defined as, to begin, or take up again, to restore, replenish, to do again, to revive, reestablish...I believe that I need to truly renew my relationship with Christ.  Almost to completely start over.  Now that I know the areas of my life that so desperately need changed, it is VERY easy for me to be overwhelmed with all that I need to do to bring about that change and almost want to run from it instead of take care of the problem.  In the past, these thoughts have led me to the darkest forms of depression you can think of.  I am guilty for being one that likes to just get out of tough situations.  When things get tough, I want to find a new job, move away, start over, just get away from the situation, no matter what that entails, though that is never the answer.  But when it comes to our relationship with Christ, we are called to forget what lies behind and reach forward to what lies ahead as it says in Philippians 3:13.  In my quest to be "renewed" I want to do just that. I want to forget my past, my failures, my life as it was from 1983-2011 and press on to what lies ahead in 2012 and beyond!  My relationship with my God, my husband, my children, my family, my friends, my coworkers, EVERY one of them needs a serious renewal.  I desire to be more loving, more compassionate, more considerate, more humble, less selfish, less prideful...the list goes on.  So as not to get overwhelmed with the list of things that has to be done to reach that goal, I am choosing to focus on being RENEWED. 

Ephesians 4:21-23, "If indeed you have heard Him and have been taught in Him, just as truth is in Jesus, that, in reference to your former manner of life, you lay aside the old self, which is being corrupted in accordance with the lusts of deceit, and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and put on the new self, which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth."

Colossians 3:5-11 "Therefore consider the members of your earthly body as dead to immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and greed, which amounts to idolatry. For it is because of these things that the wrath of God will come upon the sons of disobedience, and in them you also once walked, when you were living in them. But now you also, put them all aside: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive speech from your mouth. Do not lie to one another, since you laid aside the old self with its evil practices, and have put on the new self who is being renewed to a true knowledge according to the image of the One who created him, a renewal in which there is no distinction between Greek and Jew, circumcised and uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave and freeman, but Christ is all, and in all."
2 Corinthians 4:16 "Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day."

That last verse is definitely my favorite verse for this year and is one I am commiting, not only to memory, but down to the depths of my heart.  I covet each of your prayers and would even love your accountability as I make progress toward my "renewed" resolution for the year.  I am so excited to see where God is going to take me.  I'm buckling my seat belt because I think its going to be a bumpy ride.